@justinjewell's (Justin Jewell) most faved Tweets...
Apparently, Michael Jackson's death is being pinned on his personal physician.
Well played, Bubbles. Well played.
Well played, Bubbles. Well played.
Funny how a glass of wine with dinner is considered "sophisticated" while a bottle with breakfast is considered a "drinking problem."
And we can build this dream together | Standing strong forever | Nothing's gonna stop usYOU MISSED YOUR PERIOD?!
Inviting my girlfriend to the neighborhood liquor store was win-win: She paid and that judgmental-prick clerk knows I'm not alone in life.
My neighbor told me she can see all the "sick" things I do through my bedroom window and I was like, duh, why do you think I keep it open?
It's been a while since I was in the dating scene. So you slip the roofie in her Red Bull *before* she drops the shot of Jägermeister in it?
Think of me and my bean bag chair as Saturn and all the empty beer bottles as rings. Then think of yourself as some other judgmental planet.
Her: Dammit! Me: That's H-O-R-S. Sure you don't want to play S-A-R-A-H-J-E-S-S-I-C-A-P-A-R-K-E-R? Her: Just shoot the ball so we can leave.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spi—OK hot neighbor's calling the cops, time to climb down from her balcony
Quick, before my girlfriend gets home: Japanese schoolgirl or goth dominatrix?
It's none of your business—JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.
It's none of your business—JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION.
As we made sweet love, the busty praying mantis in the blonde wig consumed my head in a single bite and thus I had my first "wet nightmare."
For sale: 10-year employment anniversary watch, never worn. Trade considered: .22 caliber pistol, strong rope, cyanide pill. #craigslist
I'm an ethical guy. For example, I clock out when I masturbate at work. OK, not true. But I do wash my hands after.
I meant never.
I meant never.
Excuse me, Miss, I couldn't help but notice how diminutive the cucumber you selected in the produce section was and thought we might—no? OK.
The unicycle wedged under my car and bloody clown wig stuck to my bumper tell me that I had fun drinking last night.
It's hard to find a male prostitute who will let you dress him up as 5-year-old you and burn his genitals with a curling iron like Mom did.
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