@MissAmbiguous' (LC Paperclip) most faved Tweets...
Putting on the bra: The act that flips the switch from "loafing about" to "ugh, I have shit to do today."
I am under the delusion that if I open and close the refrigerator enough times, something edible will appear inside.
3 year old: "Mommy, I am not a dinosaur and that broccoli is not a tree. I just don't like it. Do. You. Understand??" "..."
There should be a law against waking someone too early on a Saturday. But then jail would be full of toddlers looking for breakfast and TV.
If your ass is as wide as the aisle, perhaps you should consider standing BEHIND your cart.
Or even skipping the snack aisle altogether.
Or even skipping the snack aisle altogether.
I can't wait to get my next Work Achievement Award so I can hang it over the hole I just kicked in the wall.
I’m sorry Grandma, I know I should've said something before you crashed thru the screen door, but I had a bad day and really needed a laugh.
There’s nothing quite like donuts for lunch to make your work day cheerier. And by donuts for lunch, I mean there’s vodka in my travel mug.
I put water on the stove to boil for pasta, left the room and forgot about it. But it's OK because I also forgot to turn on the burner.
I was trying to con The Boy into going to sleep early. There were four books, then droopy eyelids, and finally snoring.
Then he woke me up.
Then he woke me up.
She says: Your gonna hate me, but you need to fix a typo on the website. I say: Not a problem. I already hate you. Where's the typo?
I still get that sinking feeling on Sunday nights, like I didn't finish my homework and the Wonderful World of Disney has already started.
By the way, you can deny eating the whole pint of ice cream if you let the last bit melt and drink it.
Article: 1 in 4 in NYC has herpes. 12 people in the board room. Guessing the slut, the drunk, the quiet one, and THAT GUY w/ the lip thingy.
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