@FriedWords' (Derek) most faved Tweets...
Sometimes I don't feel like being funny. But then the 3 yr old sticks a crayon up his butt and well, that shit won't tweet itself.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy vodka, comic books, midget strippers, a pony andOH GOD I'M SO HAPPY!
"Dad, why don't people make snow-women?"
"Because snow isn't cold enough."
"..."
"Don't tell your mom."
"Because snow isn't cold enough."
"..."
"Don't tell your mom."
I'm worried cuz a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She's threatened to use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her.
Yeah, bitches! I just sharpened a pencil with a KNIFE. I feel like such a man. I'm gonna go show my mom. BRB
"Dad, did you know in some countries men don't know their wives till after they get married?"
"Um, it's like that in every country, son."
"Um, it's like that in every country, son."
At the planetarium with my family. I think my wife was surprised to discover she's not the center of the universe.
I think the way I'm eating this banana is making everyone uncomfortable. I should probably at least take a bite.
Hot coals? Pffft, try walking barefoot across a floor full of Legos.
RELATED: My kid now thinks Jesus Christ's middle name is 'fucking'.
RELATED: My kid now thinks Jesus Christ's middle name is 'fucking'.
ME: How about a quickie? *pulls pants down*
WIFE: As opposed to what?
ME: ... *slowly pulls pants back up*
WIFE: As opposed to what?
ME: ... *slowly pulls pants back up*
A new study found that the number one reason more men die before their wives is because 'they want to'.
Listen kids, money's tight. So when I make you balloon animals you should say 'thank you' and not complain about the lubricant.
I refuse to worry about wrinkles anymore. Besides, the botox I used on my scrotum burned and just made my balls look surprised all the time.
SON: I want a knife & a crossbow for Christmas.
ME: Well at least somebody's taking my Zombie Apocalypse theory seriously. *glares at wife*
ME: Well at least somebody's taking my Zombie Apocalypse theory seriously. *glares at wife*
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.
My oldest son just asked for something 'healthier' to eat instead of Lucky Charms. So yeah, he's no longer my favorite.
"Dad, where does God live?" "God lives inside each of us, son. Like a magic tapeworm slowly devouring our souls... Welp, goodnight."
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